Sunday, February 12, 2012

It continues to not be what I expected

My friend sent me this link to an article of people who never marry. It was intensely strange to read the article as someone who is in a relationship. One of the quotes:

she wrote: “It can be marvelous to be free; it can also make you wince with pain when people tell you they envy that freedom.”

seemed particularly familiar to me. I was single for 7.5 years. I dated, but never seriously and honestly assumed that couplehood was not in the cards for me. I got the comments about being too picky, difficult, lesbian etc and thought who isn't picky about the person the fall in love with and what is so admirable about being "easy"? Those comments seemed strange to me. I have largely always been who I am. I never thought it was cool to not care, I talk too loud and I have what can only be described as a byzantine set of rules for people in my life and an easy set for keeping most new people out of my life.

But alas, the universe continues it's consistent streak of guaranteeing that nothing can be planned for in my life. I'm nearly 3 years with the same fellow and I am in love. So now I'm reading that article from the other side of the pool and it continues to not be what I expected. I remember the freedom fondly and I wonder what I would have done with this time had I stayed single. I suspect it would have looked a lot different than my awkward attempts at domesticity that make up my current day to day narrative.

The hope is for a constant companion who will bear intimate witness to our lives. Who will heighten our joy and ease our suffering. Who will be our designated collaborator and caretaker, sparing us the effort of constantly fending for ourselves.

The meta narrative says companionship is better than being solitary. The day by day ruler likely confirms this, but I sometimes do wonder about the overall story. It is very likely that I would have traveled farther afield and possibly have lived in another country over the past three years had I not fallen in love with a total homebody. There would have been many hours spent above the earth contemplating big questions, reading deeply and being more present when I had the luxury of being with friends. Instead time passes by in chunks, seasons and unnecessarily involved discussions about how we both feel about money, time, family etc. I assume that is how one achieves a constant companion to bear witness, but I still remember the freedom of not having to explain, of knowing what was true for me being enough all the time. And a petty version of me wants to ask all the people who told me that I was being too picky, what their thoughts are now that I have someone and am just a picky and just as difficult as ever.

But really, all I ever really deeply wanted from life was to never be bored, to never be predictable and so far life has offered that in spades. heh.

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