Weddings and fear at Pandagon

That they often don’t speak up until the women have worn themselves out worrying is a great example of how those with power will relinquish it reluctantly. Wicoff’s husband sounds like a good guy generallly but even he was unwillling to propose for six whole months after an episode she bravely describes that ended with her sobbing and sobbing with frustration because while she and he were both sure they would get married, he just wouldn’t ask. The power of being able to determine when this would happen was so intoxicating that even a good man was unable to let go of it, even though he was humiliating the woman he loved. Don’t underestimate the allure of power, in other words.
Apparently, this scene with the woman sobbing and begging for a relief to the end of her anxious wait was played out with the vast majority of women Wicoff interviewed. The humiliation of this scene is such that one eagerly seeks easy solutions to relieve women of it, but as Wicoff explains eloquently how it ends up being so unavoidable for most women who get married or want to. Perhaps women could do the asking? That isn’t an answer, because in our society as it is, if a woman asks she’s seen as desperate. And, as Wicoff notes, feminism has even been co-opted to keep women from pressing for marriage. Her husband, for instance, responded to her pressure for a proposal by accusing her of not being feminist enough and being clingy. Every avenue a woman seeks for relief presents another humiliation. According to Wicoff’s interviews, many if not most of the women ended up issuing a veiled ultimatium in order to get relief from the anxious wait, were forced to make it clear to their husbands that if these men didn’t give up the power they enjoyed to keep women anxiously waiting, the women would play their final card and leave the relationship.

Weddings and marriage have been the topic of a lot of conversation on my trip this week and once again Amanda kicks ass at walking through why the whole thing is so deeply unsettling. The whole post is great.